An Open Letter to the People Trying to Get onto the Howard Bound Red-Line Train at Lake Street Station at 5:45 PM

Dear People Trying to Get onto the Howard Bound Red-Line Train at Lake Street Station at 5:45 PM,

It is with a heavy heart that I write this missive. You want to get on this train. For some of you this train is salvation, it is the promise of home and family--an aluminum chariot that will deliver you to the reasonable proximity of your neighborhood. Well, I have news for you; it's not happening. Not this train--no sir.

You see, this train is full. There is literally no room for you. You will see a few people get off the train when the doors open. That doesn't mean that room is for you. Ideally, people will get off and no new people will get on. This train is packed; there isn't enough room to go around, and frankly I think you should respect that.

If you listen to the conductor, he is telling you that there is an immediate follower. Wait for the follower. 

Now, I fully concede that when the conductor said the same thing at the station I got on at I ignored him. In fact, I didn't believe him about the follower. I thought it was bologna. But that was three stations ago. It was a very different time. The train wasn't nearly as crowded, and in the time I've been on the train I've come to believe in the follower. The follower is there, and it is immediate. I mean, it will be hear like *snaps fingers.* 

OK. This is not cool. When the doors opened, 3 people got off and now 12 of you are trying to get on. Look, if you had had the foresight I had and gotten on this train 3 stops ago, you would have had a space, but the train is different now. This is a train for people who have been here, not a bunch of Johnny Come Latelies who feel entitled to a space just because they were able to get a spot on the platform. A spot on the platform doesn’t equate to a spot on the train. It won’t work out anyway. It’s too late for newcomers to learn the politics and customs of this car. Would you know why we made a circle of space around the pregnant woman with seven shopping bags? No. You wouldn’t. You would push in and force us to take away that space from her. Would you realize that the two large men sitting across from each other are actually vital to maintaining a block in the conversation of the two insurance adjusters who got on last station? Of course not. One of you might even accidentally reignite their banal conversation.

Look. I’m not a bad guy. I just want you to know that you’re not getting on this train. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way it is. You’re not like us—we are on the train already. Obviously, we did something right to get here.

What the hell? How are they doing it? No! No! No! All 12 of you made it. This train is ruined.

Alright, listen up newbies. The past is the past. The important thing now is that no one is getting on at Clark.

Best Wishes,